[And that's part of the problem. Mark had already made it clear that he didn't want to put an end to what they had. That they should be using Saltburnt as an opportunity. But would he really feel the same way if he knew what he and Isolde got up to behind his back?]
( with either of you. some rock settles in isolde's stomach โ she understands the words and the layers beneath them, what tristan is angling for even if he doesn't know it's what he wants, yet.
but isolde is still there on her father's desk, there in her childhood bedroom, asking mark to stay and getting a no in return. )
it's going to hurt us in the long run.
( isolde likes pain. usually she likes the pain mark gives her. but not โย not that. not that memory. )
[Hurt us. Isolde and Mark, because that's where her worries must be. Should be. And the last thing he wants to do is to hurt either of them. The two of them mean more to him than he could ever really put in to words. So having her voice that concern is enough to make him pause. Enough to have him rethink his own wants and replace them solely with hers.
She's trying to protect herself. Protect her Fiancรฉ. What right does he have to ask for more?]
Say no and I won't mention it again to either of you.
[He'll take that hurt on himself if it means sparing them from it.]
[So if that means relegating himself to a life filled with watching from the sidelines, he will. He'll protect them both, even if it means stepping away to do it.]
I'm not a good person, Isolde. [A good person wouldn't have fucked their boss or their fiancรฉ. A good person wouldn't have their best friend's blood on their hands.] You can't ruin what's already broken.
don't say that. i think you're the most whole person that i know. my favorite thing about you is how often you smile. and how good it feels to be around you. you make me less lonely.
You give me a reason to smile. And as long as you want me to stay, you won't be alone.
[Of course, he knows there's still a high possibility that he'll be sent away if the truth ever comes out. That Mark will fire him on the spot when he finds out what he and Isolde have gotten up to before. But for however long he's allowed to stay, he won't leave her alone again. Even with the quest that'd been forced on him, she'd barely ever left his thoughts.]
I want you. I want both of you. And I know I shouldn't, but I don't know how to stop feeling that way.
( that's the easy part to admit โย who doesn't want tristan? handsome, charming, sweet, eager to please. perfect, by isolde's account, in every imaginable way, like a storybook prince, the man who saves the princess from a dragon and earns his happily ever after. the rest of it, though. )
and it's impossible not to want him. i feel like i'm under a spell when i'm near him. i try not to. i really do.
what do we do next? talk to him? what if he disapproves?
You're the same, Isolde. It's impossible to know you and not want you.
[Or at least that's how he feels. Staying away from her has been a special kind of torture that he isn't sure he could've taken much more of.]
I don't know what happens now. Mark already said that things didn't have to end between him and me. But he doesn't know about us. I don't want him to tell me to stay away from you.
( she's positive tristan is the only one who thinks as much โ what can be said about mark, at least, is that he sees isolde, down to the rotted center. he knows exactly how to win, with her. )
he doesn't have any business telling you or me who we're allowed to be with. that was our deal. do you want to tell him together?
He's still my boss. No matter what happens, I've got to keep working for him when we go back. I promised you I would.
[So telling Mark even a fraction of what they've gotten up to behind his back is a risk to all that. What if it is enough to have Mark turn him away? Or worse, what if Isolde ends up being the recipient of that blame instead?]
I want you there with me. I just don't want him to blame you for any of this.
you know bosses don't usually decide who you can be with, right?
( she tries to imagine how it'll even work โย she needs mark to trust her enough to put his guard down, possibly needs him to care about her in a genuine way where the saints are concerned. what does admitting to caring for tristan mean for that goal? he will, she imagines, see it as all or nothing โ isolde the reluctant bride kept away from the person she truly wants to be with. cruel as mark can sometimes be, she doesn't know him to be purposely malicious. well โย that's not true. but he's wanted her consent the whole time, and he's gotten it. will continue to get it.
it isn't fair to say, anyway. wanting mark is still inescapable for her, more than her martyrism, more than her holy sacrifice to the church. this is something greedy in isolde, something she can only hand to catholicism via convenience. god couldn't rip this wanting out of her. he put it there for a reason. )
we should share the blame. i'm not going to say i didn't pursue you.
They can when it's the woman they're meant to be marrying.
[Or when he knows just how far gone he already is. When he's well aware that he's fallen for both Mark and Isolde. He's in love with two people, and he can't have either of them. At least, he can't from the moment they return back to Lyonesse.]
I don't want him to blame you for any of it. You're still free to do whatever you want. He can't hold anything that's happened over you.
( it's almost unbearably sweet โย of course tristan would think that, because he doesn't know, because isolde hasn't let him know. what they've shared in their talks, why isolde understands tristan when he wonders if his mom would've like the man that he became. because he's capable of pain, of killing, the same as isolde. because she's a soldier in god's holy war, because she'd do anything in his name, including marry mark trevena. )
[And Mark. At least, that's what he's spent the past few months trying to convince himself. Their happiness matters more to him than his own. So if there's a way he can give them that, he'll do whatever it takes.]
I'll be ok, Isolde. You don't need to worry about me.
[That warm feeling in his chest springs back with a vengeance at her words. He really must have done something amazing in a past life to ever find himself the focus of Isolde's attentions.]
I sent him a message asking him to meet me at my room tonight. Maybe you should be there too?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[And that's part of the problem. Mark had already made it clear that he didn't want to put an end to what they had. That they should be using Saltburnt as an opportunity. But would he really feel the same way if he knew what he and Isolde got up to behind his back?]
I don't want to waste this chance though.
With either of you.
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but isolde is still there on her father's desk, there in her childhood bedroom, asking mark to stay and getting a no in return. )
it's going to hurt us in the long run.
( isolde likes pain. usually she likes the pain mark gives her. but not โย not that. not that memory. )
are you going to talk to mark?
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She's trying to protect herself. Protect her Fiancรฉ. What right does he have to ask for more?]
Say no and I won't mention it again to either of you.
[He'll take that hurt on himself if it means sparing them from it.]
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it isn't ever a no when it comes to you. haven't i made that obvious?
( isolde isn't as flighty as half typed messages, but ideas of sentences filter through her head. eventually: )
you're a good person, tristan. better than me or mark.
do you ever worry we'll ruin you?
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[So if that means relegating himself to a life filled with watching from the sidelines, he will. He'll protect them both, even if it means stepping away to do it.]
I'm not a good person, Isolde. [A good person wouldn't have fucked their boss or their fiancรฉ. A good person wouldn't have their best friend's blood on their hands.] You can't ruin what's already broken.
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don't say that. i think you're the most whole person that i know.
my favorite thing about you is how often you smile. and how good it feels to be around you.
you make me less lonely.
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[Of course, he knows there's still a high possibility that he'll be sent away if the truth ever comes out. That Mark will fire him on the spot when he finds out what he and Isolde have gotten up to before. But for however long he's allowed to stay, he won't leave her alone again. Even with the quest that'd been forced on him, she'd barely ever left his thoughts.]
I want you. I want both of you. And I know I shouldn't, but I don't know how to stop feeling that way.
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( that's the easy part to admit โย who doesn't want tristan? handsome, charming, sweet, eager to please. perfect, by isolde's account, in every imaginable way, like a storybook prince, the man who saves the princess from a dragon and earns his happily ever after. the rest of it, though. )
and it's impossible not to want him. i feel like i'm under a spell when i'm near him.
i try not to. i really do.
what do we do next? talk to him?
what if he disapproves?
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[Or at least that's how he feels. Staying away from her has been a special kind of torture that he isn't sure he could've taken much more of.]
I don't know what happens now. Mark already said that things didn't have to end between him and me. But he doesn't know about us. I don't want him to tell me to stay away from you.
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he doesn't have any business telling you or me who we're allowed to be with. that was our deal.
do you want to tell him together?
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[So telling Mark even a fraction of what they've gotten up to behind his back is a risk to all that. What if it is enough to have Mark turn him away? Or worse, what if Isolde ends up being the recipient of that blame instead?]
I want you there with me. I just don't want him to blame you for any of this.
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( she tries to imagine how it'll even work โย she needs mark to trust her enough to put his guard down, possibly needs him to care about her in a genuine way where the saints are concerned. what does admitting to caring for tristan mean for that goal? he will, she imagines, see it as all or nothing โ isolde the reluctant bride kept away from the person she truly wants to be with. cruel as mark can sometimes be, she doesn't know him to be purposely malicious. well โย that's not true. but he's wanted her consent the whole time, and he's gotten it. will continue to get it.
it isn't fair to say, anyway. wanting mark is still inescapable for her, more than her martyrism, more than her holy sacrifice to the church. this is something greedy in isolde, something she can only hand to catholicism via convenience. god couldn't rip this wanting out of her. he put it there for a reason. )
we should share the blame. i'm not going to say i didn't pursue you.
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[Or when he knows just how far gone he already is. When he's well aware that he's fallen for both Mark and Isolde. He's in love with two people, and he can't have either of them. At least, he can't from the moment they return back to Lyonesse.]
I don't want him to blame you for any of it. You're still free to do whatever you want. He can't hold anything that's happened over you.
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you're a very stubborn knight, you know.
what if i order you to give me some of the blame?
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[With her, of all people?]
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mark is going to think whatever mark thinks.
nothing has changed with us. if you were wondering. it's still ( impossible, intoxicating. ) fake.
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You both deserve to be happy.
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so do you, tristan. what about your happiness?
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[And Mark. At least, that's what he's spent the past few months trying to convince himself. Their happiness matters more to him than his own. So if there's a way he can give them that, he'll do whatever it takes.]
I'll be ok, Isolde. You don't need to worry about me.
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when should we talk to him?
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I sent him a message asking him to meet me at my room tonight. Maybe you should be there too?
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It's alright. I'm in Gold now too.