[There's a lot of opening and closing the messages app, of staring at the photos he's taken of Isolde during their time here and trying to stamp down the feeling of pure want that overtakes him every time his thoughts turn to her. He loves her, plain and (not so) simple. So knowing what he needs to be saying right now breaks his heart in a way he knows there's no coming back from. But it has to be done. He has to...end this. Completely.]
We have to stop.
[Four words, and it feels like he's torn out his heart and stomped on it. So why not grind his heel into it too?]
You and Mr. Trevena should move next to each other. It'll give you more time to reconnect before the wedding.
( something drops in her stomach, and makes her feel sick — it's not exactly a surprising message because she knows the content is necessary and nothing she hasn't thought about herself, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. she feels the cold again, that seeping loneliness that's been in her since her mother died. she can't imagine being left to play pretend with mark forever and maintaining any happiness.
then again, it's not about isolde being happy. it's about getting the job done. )
[He supposes it makes sense, Isolde not wanting to uproot her life entirely on Mark's behalf. But it still screams danger to him, knowing that the two of them won't be living together. That finding his way into those rooms would be so much easier without the worry of being interrupted. They could continue on, taking that risk. But if Mark ever found out...]
Do you want me to stay away? If it makes things easier, I can hand my resignation in to Ani.
[And, after a few moments of hesitation, and an extra grind of his foot.]
( desperately greedy — she knows she's awful for this, as awful as she'd been the first time she asked tristan not to quit, just because she'd miss him too badly. that hasn't gone anywhere. the desire is still all there, and she knows in saying this she's also admitting to a future of failure, the knowledge that she's not any better at denying herself him than he is with her. it's not the right answer, it's not the good thing to say. it's not moral, it's not fair. it's not holy.
she'll pray over it. it's the best she can do — because she can't push tristan away, not for an invitation at god's table itself. )
I meant what I said before. If you want me to stay, I'll stay.
[Even though it's going to destroy him completely. He wants her, wants them both more than he's ever wanted anything else in his life. So he has no idea how he's meant to survive being in their presence. How he's meant to make it through the wedding, through the time they're all trapped here, in a world where sex is somehow even more commonplace than Lyonesse.
For Isolde though, he'll try.]
I knew you were engaged, but I didn't let that stop me from wanting you. If he ever finds out what we've done, I'm the one to be blamed. Don't let him hold any of it against you. Please.
( does mark value the currency of a promise enough not to resent her for it? she's not sure — he's not really the kind to take someone's word at face value. if he was, he wouldn't have lyonesse. )
you were just talking about leaving anyway. do you want to stay?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@thomas.
We have to stop.
[Four words, and it feels like he's torn out his heart and stomped on it. So why not grind his heel into it too?]
You and Mr. Trevena should move next to each other. It'll give you more time to reconnect before the wedding.
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then again, it's not about isolde being happy. it's about getting the job done. )
i know you're probably right.
( about stopping. for the rest — )
but i'm not moving anywhere.
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Do you want me to stay away? If it makes things easier, I can hand my resignation in to Ani.
[And, after a few moments of hesitation, and an extra grind of his foot.]
And to Mark too.
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( desperately greedy — she knows she's awful for this, as awful as she'd been the first time she asked tristan not to quit, just because she'd miss him too badly. that hasn't gone anywhere. the desire is still all there, and she knows in saying this she's also admitting to a future of failure, the knowledge that she's not any better at denying herself him than he is with her. it's not the right answer, it's not the good thing to say. it's not moral, it's not fair. it's not holy.
she'll pray over it. it's the best she can do — because she can't push tristan away, not for an invitation at god's table itself. )
please don't.
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[Even though it's going to destroy him completely. He wants her, wants them both more than he's ever wanted anything else in his life. So he has no idea how he's meant to survive being in their presence. How he's meant to make it through the wedding, through the time they're all trapped here, in a world where sex is somehow even more commonplace than Lyonesse.
For Isolde though, he'll try.]
I knew you were engaged, but I didn't let that stop me from wanting you. If he ever finds out what we've done, I'm the one to be blamed. Don't let him hold any of it against you. Please.
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in that argument, i'm the one more copable. i made the oath. i wear the ring.
( of course, tristan has a ring of his own that mark gave him — but it's different. )
maybe we should think about telling him, and letting him decide who to blame.
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It isn't the same with me though. I was sent to protect you, not fuck you every chance I could.
[And definitely not to fall in love with her.]
If we tell him, he might make me leave.
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( does mark value the currency of a promise enough not to resent her for it? she's not sure — he's not really the kind to take someone's word at face value. if he was, he wouldn't have lyonesse. )
you were just talking about leaving anyway. do you want to stay?
( with me. with him. with us. )
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[An immediate response, because that was never a question for him. Instead-]
The right thing for me to do would be to leave though. What use am I as a bodyguard if I can't be trusted with you? [No.] With either of you?
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for the record i think you'd do anything to protect me, which is a good quality in a bodyguard.
we can stop. but i don't want to be strangers with you. so don't
push me aside. okay? we'll be good.
( out loud, it'd be a question. we'll be good? are we capable? )